Rate Your Hangover – Are You a Hard Drinker or a Sissy


Rate your hangover scales have been passed around for as long as we have been getting drunk. There are a few versions of the hangover rating scale. This is the G or PG rated version. The XXX rated version can be quite funny, depending on your sense of humor.

  • One Star Hangover:
    No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night barely qualifies as a nap, and you have a lot of nervous energy. You can function pretty well and by noon will be laughing about this with your cronies at work. Or better yet, at the bar. However, you are still parched. You will drink all the fluid you can get your hands on and still feel want more.
  • Two Star Hangover:
    No pain, but something’s clearly wrong. You may look alright but, your mind is in slow motion. You have switched from drinking coffee to water. Water is less upsetting to your stomach. You are hungry but, don’t know what is and isn’t safe to eat. You eat nothing, better hunger than the alternative.
  • Three Star Hangover:
    Slight headache. Stomach is empty and you know better than to put any food into it. You are definitely not productive. If you have sick time at work you may have called in already. You’re still a little drunk so you know things are going to get worse. No matter how much water you drink you are still thirsty. Normally you have a good work ethic but, you worry about the stench your body is giving off and what your boss will say about it.
  • Four Star Hangover:
    Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. Your speech is still discombobulated from the night before. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. Too bad you had already used up all your sick time. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes are dark and sunken back into your skull. They look like they belong on a corpse not a living person.
  • Five Star Hangover:
    AKA “Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell.”
    You can feel a vein thumping on your temple. You don’t wonder if you smell like alcohol, you know you do and your trying to avoid the boss. You’ve used mouth wash but can’t brush for fear of puking. Your tongue is a dried chunk of lifeless flesh in your mouth. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.
  • Six Star Hangover:
    You wake up on your bathroom floor. Naked, but without knowing why. You’re wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit. You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is hard to breathe because after your 8th drink you began chain smoking cigarettes even though you had quit nearly a year ago. You begin to move but that sets a chain of events into motion in your stomach that won’t be denied. When you finally get up your stomach will only allow water to be added and only a little sip at a time. This is a shame because you have a powerful thirst. You contemplate having a drink to ease the pain.

The hangover rating scale is an effective means of describing your pain to those who also drink and also as a means of comparing your stupidity to your fellow drinkers. It is important to remember these ratings are subjective and are probably being exaggerated by your fellow celebrants. Abuses of the hangover rating scale are well documented and rampant. Remember, those people are drunks and are undoubtedly lying. Watch your back.

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